Who, What and Why

So here we go, first post...I never know how to start these things. I have been thinking about creating this blog for some time now, I know what I want to concentrate on further down the line, how to write it, but this first post has always eluded me. I have decided therefore to just type and see where it takes me.

I guess I should start by saying a little about myself. I am a student, and as students go, I would say that I would come under the category of your normal, everyday, run of the mill young person thrust into the world of university life. Friends play a major part of my life, as does music, art and sport. I play a number of instruments including the guitar, clarinet and piano. I enjoy the occasional drink, love to travel, probably overuse the wonderful British thing that is sarcasm, will often go into very random moods which have led to full on discussions about the wonders of plastic spoons, and inevitably, I’m currently making the most of my overdraft to pay the rent until my student loan goes through. I don’t have any problem with this side of me, no problem in showing it to anyone, but over the years I have managed to hide another side of me that I have a little more difficulty showing, and that is my depression.

Out of all the people in my life, four people know of my diagnosis with only two knowing the true extent, one of these being my current counsellor. After years of denial and feeling ashamed, I still haven’t quite managed to be able to express this side of me, even to my closest friends. It is one of the reasons I have chosen to remain anonymous. It turns out that I’m quite good at hiding all of this; in fact, I would even go as far as to say that I’m very good at it. I am often described by friends and strangers alike as a stable person and for this reason I often find myself playing the role of counsellor, people willingly admitting that they turn to me for support. I never asked for this role, to this day I still question why people hold this opinion, but then I guess that their opinion isn’t about me, but about the lie and facade I’ve created.

At first, I wanted this blog to focus purely on depression, but then I realised that there are so many other issues that I face in my life due to being exposed to a diverse range of people that it would be stupid not to talk about them. For the last year my parents have been going through what I can only describe as a ‘messy’ divorce which is still no nearer a conclusion and for this reason my finances are often grim at best. I have a friend who has suffered anorexia for the past six years or so of her life and is adamant on not changing her behaviour. On top of this she has shown clear signs of depression but even after I have told her about my own issues, she is still in denial. I have a friend who is still working out how to tell his mother that he’s gay, friends who drink too much, friends who take drugs, so many misunderstood issues. As I write my opinions and feelings I probably will still concentrate on depression as it is a major part of my life. I won’t shy away from subjects because they are controversial, neither will I soften a subject up to make it easier to read. Inevitably, when I come to writing about depression in more detail and about my own experiences, suicide will be discussed. I know it isn’t easy to read, it isn’t easy to write about either, but I have read so many comments, articles, blogs on the subject which are, to me, hurtful. Hopefully by writing it as it is, misconceptions will be cleared up and maybe, just maybe, people will start to understand that depression isn’t a weakness.