Wake Up to the Delicate Sound of Thunder

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
- Steven Wright


Where to start...today has not been the best day in the world, in fact, I would go as far as saying it was actually a shit day, one of the shittiest of shit days ever to grace the calendar of completely shit days.

I woke up to the sound of my parents screaming at each other, or rather, my dad screaming at my mother while she stood there and took it, a rather frequent occurrence at the moment . I haven’t really spoken much about the divorce, if I’m honest, I’m not sure what I should be writing because my opinions on it are not the opinions I should be having. A year ago when my mother told me that she was going to have a talk with my dad and end things my first thought was what took you so long. Ok, so my feelings towards my dad weren’t exactly great at that time anyway, but still, should I really be supporting it?

Both said that they wanted to settle it amicably but my dad increasingly made things difficult and it became obvious that he wasn’t going to cooperate. Today was the day he received the legal letter from my mother’s solicitor saying that the case has been taken to court, an action my mother had actually put off for far too long in my opinion. Even though he knew it was coming, he still flipped. My mother in the end went out to clear her head, my dad became emotional and sentimental towards me for about ten minutes before shutting himself away again in his online world like nothing had happened. It’s then that I realised that actually this divorce does affect me, it does bother me.

Neil, my counsellor, likes touching on the subject in our sessions. He often brings it up and asks how it makes me feel and I always convince him that it doesn’t bother me, well I try to at least. He never believes me, tells me that it must be effecting me somehow and it’s only now that I realise that it does, but not for the usual reasons. It doesn’t bother me that my parents are splitting after 25 years, these things happen, what bothers me is the emotional turmoil that it’s putting them through and the fact that they try to act like nothing is wrong in front of my brother and I, though that is mostly my dad’s doing. I hate this indifference I feel towards the whole thing when it comes to my own feelings. It upset me for the first time today. A year on and it finally hits me, but still, there’s this coldness that I feel towards the whole situation, this unresponsiveness and that's what upsets me. I know that it’s still not affecting me as much as it should. Come tomorrow, I’ll probably go back to how I was before, completely indifferent, and I have to question whether this is normal. I feel that my depression is contributing somehow. Ironic really, the condition that makes me feel so bad about situations that shouldn’t trouble me is making me feel fine about a situation that should be distressing me.

This depression is controlling every aspect of my life right now. It’s crippling. As well as making me indifferent to my parents’ divorce, it has made me push away the one person who could bring a smile to my face, the main reason today was such a shit day and which I’ll put in another post to make things easier to read.