How the Darkness Spreads

I’ve written a few posts now about how depression effects me but I thought this time I’d write how it affects the people around me. I kept to my word, next time Henrik came online I brought a few things up and the events that followed really highlighted how hard this condition can be to other people.

It turned out, the email I sent those many months ago explaining why I thought it would be best to cut contact for a while, the email I exposed myself and everything I was feeling, the email I had worried about every day since I sent it, he didn’t read. His explanation was, and I’ll quote:

“I meant to, but I had sort of this walls are coming down on me, felt cramped, like shit piled up on me, so I never did. Are you mad at me now? I mean, it sounds pretty egotistic, but I just didn’t have the energy to focus on anything but what I was doing just there and then.”

It hit me then, the amount of emails I had sent him in the past when I was at my lowest, the amount of times he had listened whilst I vented out and cried, the amount of times he talked me out of taking the pills that were beside me. This isn’t easy to deal with, he never asked for it, it had to reach breaking point at some point. What makes it harder is the fact we are so far away from each other. He has told me in the past that the thing he finds hardest about all this is the fact he can’t just take it away, he can’t even be in the same country as me let alone the same room.

He has been going through a very rough time himself and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t blame him for not reading the email, the ones he has had in the past have been hard to read to put it lightly. This condition doesn’t just emotionally drain you, it drains the people who have to see it too. They worry, they get upset, in some ways it becomes contagious.

I was pretty sure before that I would carry on hiding my depression, despite how much I know it doesn’t help me, and this has just confirmed to me why I should. I don’t want people to worry, to get upset, to share this burden, I can’t do it to them. What scares me now is that as Henrik and I’s conversation went on it became increasingly clear that with everything going on in his own life right now I can’t rely solely on him to get me out, it’s become too much. This means that either I find another person to share this with or I try and deal with it on my own and no matter how much my head screams at me not to, I know deep down that it’ll be the latter option I go for.

Back to Business

It’s about time I got back into this blog writing. I have been back home from my job for about a month now and I have to say the weeks since being back, I’ve been feeling, well...good. Getting constantly abused and knocked down by members of the public whilst you stood on the street in all weather for at least 8 hours a day, usually more, doesn’t sound like the best therapy for a clinically depressed person but surprisingly, for me, it has worked. I came back with better priorities, a new view on life, I still got down now and then but I thought about things differently, it didn’t affect me as much.

I guess that’s why I haven’t updated since I’ve been back, I started this blog mainly to come to terms with my depression and since being back I haven’t felt like I’ve needed to do that, but, as they say, all good things must come to an end. Deep down I knew it wouldn’t last, depression just doesn’t go away like that and the last few days I have been gradually feeling worse. Right now I’m still nowhere near the extremes I used to be but I can feel it coming, slowly seeping deeper into me.

My new way of thinking tells me that there must be a reason for this change of mood and I’ve actually thought of a number of candidates:

1) Since being back I have acted more and more like a counsellor for Amanda. Her hysteria about her weight, about food and even life in general is taking new extremes and naturally she turns to me. Getting messages late at night saying that she can’t sleep due to the fact she has just taken a load of diet pills, fat burning drinks, caffeine drinks, and all on an empty stomach so she feels like she’s about to have a heart attack isn’t exactly going to make me feel better. I have told her that when we go back to university (in about a week) I am taking her to see someone, that I can’t act as her counsellor 24/7, that I need to start taking care of myself for once. Whether she goes ahead with it, time will tell, but I’m definitely not going to be as lenient as I was before, for both our sakes.

2) Going back to university. I never thought I’d say it but I think I’d prefer to stay at home. My parents are arguing even more due to the impending divorce, my dad still wanting things to be how they were. My relationship with my dad even tenser because of this, he still can’t accept the fact that I’m independent, that I’m no longer his ‘little girl’. I constantly feel smothered when I’m at home and that never bodes well for my mood, yet I’d prefer to be here than at my house in Durham. I don’t know why exactly I’m feeling so apprehensive. A part of it is my course, I’m not sure it’s the right course for me anymore. A part of it is my housemates. I’ve come to realise during this summer how different I am to them. Apart from maybe two (out of five) of them, they are very naive about life, very innocent and if thrust into the cruel world on their own would never cope. I guess I feel there may be some clashes. Also if I happen to have one of my bad moments, they really would have no idea what to do.

3) Henrik. I hate to think this but I can’t deny there’s a connection. With me thinking my head was now sorted I got back into contact. He had been sorting his own life out and I gave him the chance to vent out about issues, just like he used to do with me. Now, despite knowing he finds it hard to get online as regularly as he used to due to his working hours, I’m finding that I’m waiting, willing, for him to come online. If he does, we talk about everything other than what we should be talking about, we’ll talk till early hours of the morning, decide to go to sleep and I find myself lying in bed wanting to talk to him once again. Exactly how things were before. He hasn’t mentioned the email I sent, hasn’t mentioned anything of substance and I think it’s about time I bring it up. It can’t be a coincidence that when I cut contact from him I started to feel ok again and after I start talking to him again my moods deteriorate. I hate to think that he could be affecting me like that, the thought that I would be better off not ever talking to him again...I’ve decided, the next time I get a chance, I’ll bring up everything we need to talk about, my feelings, his feelings, and get things cleared up once and for all, then, then I’ll decide what to do.

There are so many things I could go into that haven’t been mentioned but I feel this post is already long enough. I can almost guarantee that I will be updating more regularly now, things right now seem like they can only get worse.

Chugging Away at Life

I mentioned before about a job interview I had in London. Well it turns out I got the job. You cannot imagine how much relief I felt when I found out. Financially things are terrible back home and with me having to pay student fees and rent on my house back up at university...well things were getting a little desperate. It didn’t help with the fact that I thought my summer job was already arranged but I got back from university to find that the office that had accepted me were now un-accepting me due to budget and staff cuts. But now, starting Monday, I will officially be a ‘chugger’.

For those who are unfamiliar with the term, a chugger is the name given by the Daily Mail Newspaper to charity fundraisers on the street who stop passersby and try and get them to subscribe to a charity. The term, made up from the words ‘charity’ and ‘mugger’ is meant to convey the hard-sell techniques that some use. I’m trying not to think about the whole negative opinions held by people about this job and think about the positives. Because of the hours and the demanding nature of the job, I am going to have little time to myself, meaning for a while at least my mind will be taken off my depression and Henrik...hopefully. Also, I will be travelling around the UK which means I can get out of the house and away from the constant arguing of parents.

My contract states that I have to work for at least five weeks. Due to the travelling, I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to get online and update this regularly. I will try but I wouldn’t expect any posts for at least five weeks.

Sorry about the slightly rushed nature of this post, I was intending to go into more detail about the job and opinions and such things but tiredness is overcoming me. The lack of sleep is really taking its toll now and as I’m travelling to Oxford tomorrow for my training on Monday I really should try and regain some of it. Easier said than done of course.

Short Musings

I was away for a job interview in London at the start of the week and whilst I was there I decided to stay for a few days with Amanda....well, actually, she practically begged me to stay, not that it took much begging on her behalf. I am getting worried about her. After asking how she was, she basically reeled off every classic symptom of depression, yet she still denies that she has a problem. There are times in the past where I’ve felt like I’ve gotten through to her about this but give it a day and then she’s back where she was before; in complete denial. I can’t really blame her for it, it took me the best part of three years to accept I had a problem, but then I didn’t have a sufferer of depression telling me that I was suffering from depression. We made a deal in the end as she’s just as worried about me as I am her. She wants me to go see a doctor about medication and if I do that she’ll go see one about her depression. According to her, now that I don’t have Henrik to rely on, I’m in need of medication even more than before and the fact I pushed him away is a clear sign I need help. I obviously find it hard to accept. I don’t like the thought that I can’t get through this on my own, that I need medication or some guy...albeit one I’m very fond of...to deal with life.

Despite this, I’m starting to regret pushing Henrik away like I did, though deep down I knew it was the most sensible thing to do. It was far too dangerous to rely so heavily on someone who was so far away from me and who I could only contact through email or MSN. But remembering back to times when he was there and helped me through some of my lowest points, I can’t help regretting the decision. I can’t go back on it though, not now, so I guess things are up to him now, he can email back if he disagrees with my decision or he can get on with his life knowing he won’t have the burden of dealing with my hysterical moments. The latter just seems so much more appealing doesn’t it.

Birthday Dilemmas

“After all, what are birthdays? Here today and gone tomorrow.”
- Eeyore (from A. A. Milne’s ‘Winnie the Pooh’)


Another year gone. I’ve now officially been on this planet for 19 years and I’m trying to work out where the time has gone. This is the problem I have with birthdays, I can’t help looking back and reflecting on what I’ve done since the last one, and my thoughts aren’t sitting well with me. On one hand you could say that I’ve achieved a fair bit during the last year; I’ve finally come to terms with my depression, I’m getting weekly counselling sessions during term time, I’m slowly getting over my views on anti-depression medication, I’ve successfully completed my first year in university...all things which show that I’m moving on in my life, so why do I feel that the opposite is true?

My counsellor and doctors would probably tell you that my battle with depression has moved on immensely since my last birthday. I don’t disagree with them that accepting that I suffer from the condition is a big step in the right direction, but looking back, I can’t see what has changed. For example, I still can’t bring myself to tell people about my illness, I still have major problems when it comes to talking face-to-face with someone about my feelings; I hide emotions and hide my true self. I feel that the depression itself has gotten worse. Compared to last year, my general happiness is much lower; my depressive episodes are more frequent, last longer and are more severe. I am finding myself feeling vulnerable and considering suicide far more often than the previous year and I have found myself coming far too close to giving into these thoughts.

So here I am, on my birthday, sitting here desperately wanting to cry but my body, so used to hiding such emotion, is refusing to let the tears fall. I feel like a failure. I’m letting this illness take over my life. It’s making me lie to my friends and family, it’s causing me so much conflict in my head that I rarely get over six hours sleep at night, basically it makes me feel shit and I can’t see it changing. It makes me wonder, what will I be thinking in a year’s time? Will I be looking back like I always do and seeing an improvement in my life, or will I be seeing how my depression has taken over more of my life and be in an even bigger state of despair and worthlessness?

One question is even more prominent.

Will I even be here in a year’s time...?

Who, What and Why

So here we go, first post...I never know how to start these things. I have been thinking about creating this blog for some time now, I know what I want to concentrate on further down the line, how to write it, but this first post has always eluded me. I have decided therefore to just type and see where it takes me.

I guess I should start by saying a little about myself. I am a student, and as students go, I would say that I would come under the category of your normal, everyday, run of the mill young person thrust into the world of university life. Friends play a major part of my life, as does music, art and sport. I play a number of instruments including the guitar, clarinet and piano. I enjoy the occasional drink, love to travel, probably overuse the wonderful British thing that is sarcasm, will often go into very random moods which have led to full on discussions about the wonders of plastic spoons, and inevitably, I’m currently making the most of my overdraft to pay the rent until my student loan goes through. I don’t have any problem with this side of me, no problem in showing it to anyone, but over the years I have managed to hide another side of me that I have a little more difficulty showing, and that is my depression.

Out of all the people in my life, four people know of my diagnosis with only two knowing the true extent, one of these being my current counsellor. After years of denial and feeling ashamed, I still haven’t quite managed to be able to express this side of me, even to my closest friends. It is one of the reasons I have chosen to remain anonymous. It turns out that I’m quite good at hiding all of this; in fact, I would even go as far as to say that I’m very good at it. I am often described by friends and strangers alike as a stable person and for this reason I often find myself playing the role of counsellor, people willingly admitting that they turn to me for support. I never asked for this role, to this day I still question why people hold this opinion, but then I guess that their opinion isn’t about me, but about the lie and facade I’ve created.

At first, I wanted this blog to focus purely on depression, but then I realised that there are so many other issues that I face in my life due to being exposed to a diverse range of people that it would be stupid not to talk about them. For the last year my parents have been going through what I can only describe as a ‘messy’ divorce which is still no nearer a conclusion and for this reason my finances are often grim at best. I have a friend who has suffered anorexia for the past six years or so of her life and is adamant on not changing her behaviour. On top of this she has shown clear signs of depression but even after I have told her about my own issues, she is still in denial. I have a friend who is still working out how to tell his mother that he’s gay, friends who drink too much, friends who take drugs, so many misunderstood issues. As I write my opinions and feelings I probably will still concentrate on depression as it is a major part of my life. I won’t shy away from subjects because they are controversial, neither will I soften a subject up to make it easier to read. Inevitably, when I come to writing about depression in more detail and about my own experiences, suicide will be discussed. I know it isn’t easy to read, it isn’t easy to write about either, but I have read so many comments, articles, blogs on the subject which are, to me, hurtful. Hopefully by writing it as it is, misconceptions will be cleared up and maybe, just maybe, people will start to understand that depression isn’t a weakness.