It’s about time I got back into this blog writing. I have been back home from my job for about a month now and I have to say the weeks since being back, I’ve been feeling, well...good. Getting constantly abused and knocked down by members of the public whilst you stood on the street in all weather for at least 8 hours a day, usually more, doesn’t sound like the best therapy for a clinically depressed person but surprisingly, for me, it has worked. I came back with better priorities, a new view on life, I still got down now and then but I thought about things differently, it didn’t affect me as much.
I guess that’s why I haven’t updated since I’ve been back, I started this blog mainly to come to terms with my depression and since being back I haven’t felt like I’ve needed to do that, but, as they say, all good things must come to an end. Deep down I knew it wouldn’t last, depression just doesn’t go away like that and the last few days I have been gradually feeling worse. Right now I’m still nowhere near the extremes I used to be but I can feel it coming, slowly seeping deeper into me.
My new way of thinking tells me that there must be a reason for this change of mood and I’ve actually thought of a number of candidates:
1) Since being back I have acted more and more like a counsellor for Amanda. Her hysteria about her weight, about food and even life in general is taking new extremes and naturally she turns to me. Getting messages late at night saying that she can’t sleep due to the fact she has just taken a load of diet pills, fat burning drinks, caffeine drinks, and all on an empty stomach so she feels like she’s about to have a heart attack isn’t exactly going to make me feel better. I have told her that when we go back to university (in about a week) I am taking her to see someone, that I can’t act as her counsellor 24/7, that I need to start taking care of myself for once. Whether she goes ahead with it, time will tell, but I’m definitely not going to be as lenient as I was before, for both our sakes.
2) Going back to university. I never thought I’d say it but I think I’d prefer to stay at home. My parents are arguing even more due to the impending divorce, my dad still wanting things to be how they were. My relationship with my dad even tenser because of this, he still can’t accept the fact that I’m independent, that I’m no longer his ‘little girl’. I constantly feel smothered when I’m at home and that never bodes well for my mood, yet I’d prefer to be here than at my house in Durham. I don’t know why exactly I’m feeling so apprehensive. A part of it is my course, I’m not sure it’s the right course for me anymore. A part of it is my housemates. I’ve come to realise during this summer how different I am to them. Apart from maybe two (out of five) of them, they are very naive about life, very innocent and if thrust into the cruel world on their own would never cope. I guess I feel there may be some clashes. Also if I happen to have one of my bad moments, they really would have no idea what to do.
3) Henrik. I hate to think this but I can’t deny there’s a connection. With me thinking my head was now sorted I got back into contact. He had been sorting his own life out and I gave him the chance to vent out about issues, just like he used to do with me. Now, despite knowing he finds it hard to get online as regularly as he used to due to his working hours, I’m finding that I’m waiting, willing, for him to come online. If he does, we talk about everything other than what we should be talking about, we’ll talk till early hours of the morning, decide to go to sleep and I find myself lying in bed wanting to talk to him once again. Exactly how things were before. He hasn’t mentioned the email I sent, hasn’t mentioned anything of substance and I think it’s about time I bring it up. It can’t be a coincidence that when I cut contact from him I started to feel ok again and after I start talking to him again my moods deteriorate. I hate to think that he could be affecting me like that, the thought that I would be better off not ever talking to him again...I’ve decided, the next time I get a chance, I’ll bring up everything we need to talk about, my feelings, his feelings, and get things cleared up once and for all, then, then I’ll decide what to do.
There are so many things I could go into that haven’t been mentioned but I feel this post is already long enough. I can almost guarantee that I will be updating more regularly now, things right now seem like they can only get worse.
Showing posts with label university. Show all posts
Showing posts with label university. Show all posts
Friday, 26 September 2008
Thursday, 3 July 2008
Who, What and Why
So here we go, first post...I never know how to start these things. I have been thinking about creating this blog for some time now, I know what I want to concentrate on further down the line, how to write it, but this first post has always eluded me. I have decided therefore to just type and see where it takes me.
I guess I should start by saying a little about myself. I am a student, and as students go, I would say that I would come under the category of your normal, everyday, run of the mill young person thrust into the world of university life. Friends play a major part of my life, as does music, art and sport. I play a number of instruments including the guitar, clarinet and piano. I enjoy the occasional drink, love to travel, probably overuse the wonderful British thing that is sarcasm, will often go into very random moods which have led to full on discussions about the wonders of plastic spoons, and inevitably, I’m currently making the most of my overdraft to pay the rent until my student loan goes through. I don’t have any problem with this side of me, no problem in showing it to anyone, but over the years I have managed to hide another side of me that I have a little more difficulty showing, and that is my depression.
Out of all the people in my life, four people know of my diagnosis with only two knowing the true extent, one of these being my current counsellor. After years of denial and feeling ashamed, I still haven’t quite managed to be able to express this side of me, even to my closest friends. It is one of the reasons I have chosen to remain anonymous. It turns out that I’m quite good at hiding all of this; in fact, I would even go as far as to say that I’m very good at it. I am often described by friends and strangers alike as a stable person and for this reason I often find myself playing the role of counsellor, people willingly admitting that they turn to me for support. I never asked for this role, to this day I still question why people hold this opinion, but then I guess that their opinion isn’t about me, but about the lie and facade I’ve created.
At first, I wanted this blog to focus purely on depression, but then I realised that there are so many other issues that I face in my life due to being exposed to a diverse range of people that it would be stupid not to talk about them. For the last year my parents have been going through what I can only describe as a ‘messy’ divorce which is still no nearer a conclusion and for this reason my finances are often grim at best. I have a friend who has suffered anorexia for the past six years or so of her life and is adamant on not changing her behaviour. On top of this she has shown clear signs of depression but even after I have told her about my own issues, she is still in denial. I have a friend who is still working out how to tell his mother that he’s gay, friends who drink too much, friends who take drugs, so many misunderstood issues. As I write my opinions and feelings I probably will still concentrate on depression as it is a major part of my life. I won’t shy away from subjects because they are controversial, neither will I soften a subject up to make it easier to read. Inevitably, when I come to writing about depression in more detail and about my own experiences, suicide will be discussed. I know it isn’t easy to read, it isn’t easy to write about either, but I have read so many comments, articles, blogs on the subject which are, to me, hurtful. Hopefully by writing it as it is, misconceptions will be cleared up and maybe, just maybe, people will start to understand that depression isn’t a weakness.
I guess I should start by saying a little about myself. I am a student, and as students go, I would say that I would come under the category of your normal, everyday, run of the mill young person thrust into the world of university life. Friends play a major part of my life, as does music, art and sport. I play a number of instruments including the guitar, clarinet and piano. I enjoy the occasional drink, love to travel, probably overuse the wonderful British thing that is sarcasm, will often go into very random moods which have led to full on discussions about the wonders of plastic spoons, and inevitably, I’m currently making the most of my overdraft to pay the rent until my student loan goes through. I don’t have any problem with this side of me, no problem in showing it to anyone, but over the years I have managed to hide another side of me that I have a little more difficulty showing, and that is my depression.
Out of all the people in my life, four people know of my diagnosis with only two knowing the true extent, one of these being my current counsellor. After years of denial and feeling ashamed, I still haven’t quite managed to be able to express this side of me, even to my closest friends. It is one of the reasons I have chosen to remain anonymous. It turns out that I’m quite good at hiding all of this; in fact, I would even go as far as to say that I’m very good at it. I am often described by friends and strangers alike as a stable person and for this reason I often find myself playing the role of counsellor, people willingly admitting that they turn to me for support. I never asked for this role, to this day I still question why people hold this opinion, but then I guess that their opinion isn’t about me, but about the lie and facade I’ve created.
At first, I wanted this blog to focus purely on depression, but then I realised that there are so many other issues that I face in my life due to being exposed to a diverse range of people that it would be stupid not to talk about them. For the last year my parents have been going through what I can only describe as a ‘messy’ divorce which is still no nearer a conclusion and for this reason my finances are often grim at best. I have a friend who has suffered anorexia for the past six years or so of her life and is adamant on not changing her behaviour. On top of this she has shown clear signs of depression but even after I have told her about my own issues, she is still in denial. I have a friend who is still working out how to tell his mother that he’s gay, friends who drink too much, friends who take drugs, so many misunderstood issues. As I write my opinions and feelings I probably will still concentrate on depression as it is a major part of my life. I won’t shy away from subjects because they are controversial, neither will I soften a subject up to make it easier to read. Inevitably, when I come to writing about depression in more detail and about my own experiences, suicide will be discussed. I know it isn’t easy to read, it isn’t easy to write about either, but I have read so many comments, articles, blogs on the subject which are, to me, hurtful. Hopefully by writing it as it is, misconceptions will be cleared up and maybe, just maybe, people will start to understand that depression isn’t a weakness.
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