How the Darkness Spreads

I’ve written a few posts now about how depression effects me but I thought this time I’d write how it affects the people around me. I kept to my word, next time Henrik came online I brought a few things up and the events that followed really highlighted how hard this condition can be to other people.

It turned out, the email I sent those many months ago explaining why I thought it would be best to cut contact for a while, the email I exposed myself and everything I was feeling, the email I had worried about every day since I sent it, he didn’t read. His explanation was, and I’ll quote:

“I meant to, but I had sort of this walls are coming down on me, felt cramped, like shit piled up on me, so I never did. Are you mad at me now? I mean, it sounds pretty egotistic, but I just didn’t have the energy to focus on anything but what I was doing just there and then.”

It hit me then, the amount of emails I had sent him in the past when I was at my lowest, the amount of times he had listened whilst I vented out and cried, the amount of times he talked me out of taking the pills that were beside me. This isn’t easy to deal with, he never asked for it, it had to reach breaking point at some point. What makes it harder is the fact we are so far away from each other. He has told me in the past that the thing he finds hardest about all this is the fact he can’t just take it away, he can’t even be in the same country as me let alone the same room.

He has been going through a very rough time himself and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t blame him for not reading the email, the ones he has had in the past have been hard to read to put it lightly. This condition doesn’t just emotionally drain you, it drains the people who have to see it too. They worry, they get upset, in some ways it becomes contagious.

I was pretty sure before that I would carry on hiding my depression, despite how much I know it doesn’t help me, and this has just confirmed to me why I should. I don’t want people to worry, to get upset, to share this burden, I can’t do it to them. What scares me now is that as Henrik and I’s conversation went on it became increasingly clear that with everything going on in his own life right now I can’t rely solely on him to get me out, it’s become too much. This means that either I find another person to share this with or I try and deal with it on my own and no matter how much my head screams at me not to, I know deep down that it’ll be the latter option I go for.

Back to Business

It’s about time I got back into this blog writing. I have been back home from my job for about a month now and I have to say the weeks since being back, I’ve been feeling, well...good. Getting constantly abused and knocked down by members of the public whilst you stood on the street in all weather for at least 8 hours a day, usually more, doesn’t sound like the best therapy for a clinically depressed person but surprisingly, for me, it has worked. I came back with better priorities, a new view on life, I still got down now and then but I thought about things differently, it didn’t affect me as much.

I guess that’s why I haven’t updated since I’ve been back, I started this blog mainly to come to terms with my depression and since being back I haven’t felt like I’ve needed to do that, but, as they say, all good things must come to an end. Deep down I knew it wouldn’t last, depression just doesn’t go away like that and the last few days I have been gradually feeling worse. Right now I’m still nowhere near the extremes I used to be but I can feel it coming, slowly seeping deeper into me.

My new way of thinking tells me that there must be a reason for this change of mood and I’ve actually thought of a number of candidates:

1) Since being back I have acted more and more like a counsellor for Amanda. Her hysteria about her weight, about food and even life in general is taking new extremes and naturally she turns to me. Getting messages late at night saying that she can’t sleep due to the fact she has just taken a load of diet pills, fat burning drinks, caffeine drinks, and all on an empty stomach so she feels like she’s about to have a heart attack isn’t exactly going to make me feel better. I have told her that when we go back to university (in about a week) I am taking her to see someone, that I can’t act as her counsellor 24/7, that I need to start taking care of myself for once. Whether she goes ahead with it, time will tell, but I’m definitely not going to be as lenient as I was before, for both our sakes.

2) Going back to university. I never thought I’d say it but I think I’d prefer to stay at home. My parents are arguing even more due to the impending divorce, my dad still wanting things to be how they were. My relationship with my dad even tenser because of this, he still can’t accept the fact that I’m independent, that I’m no longer his ‘little girl’. I constantly feel smothered when I’m at home and that never bodes well for my mood, yet I’d prefer to be here than at my house in Durham. I don’t know why exactly I’m feeling so apprehensive. A part of it is my course, I’m not sure it’s the right course for me anymore. A part of it is my housemates. I’ve come to realise during this summer how different I am to them. Apart from maybe two (out of five) of them, they are very naive about life, very innocent and if thrust into the cruel world on their own would never cope. I guess I feel there may be some clashes. Also if I happen to have one of my bad moments, they really would have no idea what to do.

3) Henrik. I hate to think this but I can’t deny there’s a connection. With me thinking my head was now sorted I got back into contact. He had been sorting his own life out and I gave him the chance to vent out about issues, just like he used to do with me. Now, despite knowing he finds it hard to get online as regularly as he used to due to his working hours, I’m finding that I’m waiting, willing, for him to come online. If he does, we talk about everything other than what we should be talking about, we’ll talk till early hours of the morning, decide to go to sleep and I find myself lying in bed wanting to talk to him once again. Exactly how things were before. He hasn’t mentioned the email I sent, hasn’t mentioned anything of substance and I think it’s about time I bring it up. It can’t be a coincidence that when I cut contact from him I started to feel ok again and after I start talking to him again my moods deteriorate. I hate to think that he could be affecting me like that, the thought that I would be better off not ever talking to him again...I’ve decided, the next time I get a chance, I’ll bring up everything we need to talk about, my feelings, his feelings, and get things cleared up once and for all, then, then I’ll decide what to do.

There are so many things I could go into that haven’t been mentioned but I feel this post is already long enough. I can almost guarantee that I will be updating more regularly now, things right now seem like they can only get worse.

Chugging Away at Life

I mentioned before about a job interview I had in London. Well it turns out I got the job. You cannot imagine how much relief I felt when I found out. Financially things are terrible back home and with me having to pay student fees and rent on my house back up at university...well things were getting a little desperate. It didn’t help with the fact that I thought my summer job was already arranged but I got back from university to find that the office that had accepted me were now un-accepting me due to budget and staff cuts. But now, starting Monday, I will officially be a ‘chugger’.

For those who are unfamiliar with the term, a chugger is the name given by the Daily Mail Newspaper to charity fundraisers on the street who stop passersby and try and get them to subscribe to a charity. The term, made up from the words ‘charity’ and ‘mugger’ is meant to convey the hard-sell techniques that some use. I’m trying not to think about the whole negative opinions held by people about this job and think about the positives. Because of the hours and the demanding nature of the job, I am going to have little time to myself, meaning for a while at least my mind will be taken off my depression and Henrik...hopefully. Also, I will be travelling around the UK which means I can get out of the house and away from the constant arguing of parents.

My contract states that I have to work for at least five weeks. Due to the travelling, I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to get online and update this regularly. I will try but I wouldn’t expect any posts for at least five weeks.

Sorry about the slightly rushed nature of this post, I was intending to go into more detail about the job and opinions and such things but tiredness is overcoming me. The lack of sleep is really taking its toll now and as I’m travelling to Oxford tomorrow for my training on Monday I really should try and regain some of it. Easier said than done of course.

Short Musings

I was away for a job interview in London at the start of the week and whilst I was there I decided to stay for a few days with Amanda....well, actually, she practically begged me to stay, not that it took much begging on her behalf. I am getting worried about her. After asking how she was, she basically reeled off every classic symptom of depression, yet she still denies that she has a problem. There are times in the past where I’ve felt like I’ve gotten through to her about this but give it a day and then she’s back where she was before; in complete denial. I can’t really blame her for it, it took me the best part of three years to accept I had a problem, but then I didn’t have a sufferer of depression telling me that I was suffering from depression. We made a deal in the end as she’s just as worried about me as I am her. She wants me to go see a doctor about medication and if I do that she’ll go see one about her depression. According to her, now that I don’t have Henrik to rely on, I’m in need of medication even more than before and the fact I pushed him away is a clear sign I need help. I obviously find it hard to accept. I don’t like the thought that I can’t get through this on my own, that I need medication or some guy...albeit one I’m very fond of...to deal with life.

Despite this, I’m starting to regret pushing Henrik away like I did, though deep down I knew it was the most sensible thing to do. It was far too dangerous to rely so heavily on someone who was so far away from me and who I could only contact through email or MSN. But remembering back to times when he was there and helped me through some of my lowest points, I can’t help regretting the decision. I can’t go back on it though, not now, so I guess things are up to him now, he can email back if he disagrees with my decision or he can get on with his life knowing he won’t have the burden of dealing with my hysterical moments. The latter just seems so much more appealing doesn’t it.

Yet Another Thing Stolen from my Life

“What do you do when the only one who can make you stop crying is the one who made you cry?”


I mentioned in my last post that the reason today was such a shit day was because I pushed away the one person in my life who has the ability to make me smile even when I’m at my lowest...Henrik.

He is still the only one I feel that I have told willingly about my depression and definitely the only one I can talk to about it without holding anything back, but today I sent him an email explaining why I think it’ll be best if we stopped all contact. It doesn’t make sense does it; I mean it is pretty obvious that I care for him, quite a lot. I’ll even finally admit that it’s bordering on love, but really, I feel this was the best thing to do.

Before I go into the reasons behind my decision I’ll fill in a little about our history. We have been talking to each other for about a year and a half now and our conversations, mostly on MSN, were always fun, completely random, carefree. We would spend hours talking, day after day just putting the world to right. When I finally accepted that I had depression I felt like I had to tell him and it actually came easy to me. We would talk about it, I’d release the emotion I kept hidden from everybody else, he’d listen and be there for me to vent out. As my depression became worse our conversations quickly moved from relaxed to tense. The things I talked about became more serious, I would talk to him while feeling suicidal and he would try and talk me out of it. This became more and more frequent until I realised I had become completely reliant on him. He told me that he found the situation hard, hated the fact that he couldn’t do anything to take this depression away, he said that the suicidal moments always upset him and I began to feel so bad for burdening him with everything.

Obviously he wasn’t online for me to talk to every hour of the day and I would start to send him emails while he was offline. I became this needy, emotional, insecure person and I hated it. Every conversation lately had been depression based and I had to stop it somehow. I don’t want to be this pathetic and weak person, I want things to go back to how they were when we actually had fun talking to each other but I can’t see it happening, so instead of bringing him down even further I’ve decided to stop completely.

My heart is practically screaming at me but it was something I had been thinking about for some time now. I do care about him and I don’t want to be responsible for bringing him down anymore. He’s better off not talking to me and so I’ve put it into action. I’m still feeling crap about it, it’s going to take a while to get over but hopefully it’ll help me move on with my life.

I had never told him how much he meant to me because I could tell that his feelings back weren’t as strong. I was, and still am, living in a dream world, hoping that he would say the words that I longed him to say. I need to get a grip, go back to reality and this is the only way I can see it happening.

I blame my depression for pushing him away. I hate the fact that it’s controlled so many aspects of my life and now it’s reduced me to a lovesick shell of a woman. But there is some good in all this. I now have an added determination to overcome this condition. If I can overcome it and become the woman I used to be then maybe I could get back in contact with Henrik. How long this determination lasts before the depression also takes that away from me, only time will tell.

Wake Up to the Delicate Sound of Thunder

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
- Steven Wright


Where to start...today has not been the best day in the world, in fact, I would go as far as saying it was actually a shit day, one of the shittiest of shit days ever to grace the calendar of completely shit days.

I woke up to the sound of my parents screaming at each other, or rather, my dad screaming at my mother while she stood there and took it, a rather frequent occurrence at the moment . I haven’t really spoken much about the divorce, if I’m honest, I’m not sure what I should be writing because my opinions on it are not the opinions I should be having. A year ago when my mother told me that she was going to have a talk with my dad and end things my first thought was what took you so long. Ok, so my feelings towards my dad weren’t exactly great at that time anyway, but still, should I really be supporting it?

Both said that they wanted to settle it amicably but my dad increasingly made things difficult and it became obvious that he wasn’t going to cooperate. Today was the day he received the legal letter from my mother’s solicitor saying that the case has been taken to court, an action my mother had actually put off for far too long in my opinion. Even though he knew it was coming, he still flipped. My mother in the end went out to clear her head, my dad became emotional and sentimental towards me for about ten minutes before shutting himself away again in his online world like nothing had happened. It’s then that I realised that actually this divorce does affect me, it does bother me.

Neil, my counsellor, likes touching on the subject in our sessions. He often brings it up and asks how it makes me feel and I always convince him that it doesn’t bother me, well I try to at least. He never believes me, tells me that it must be effecting me somehow and it’s only now that I realise that it does, but not for the usual reasons. It doesn’t bother me that my parents are splitting after 25 years, these things happen, what bothers me is the emotional turmoil that it’s putting them through and the fact that they try to act like nothing is wrong in front of my brother and I, though that is mostly my dad’s doing. I hate this indifference I feel towards the whole thing when it comes to my own feelings. It upset me for the first time today. A year on and it finally hits me, but still, there’s this coldness that I feel towards the whole situation, this unresponsiveness and that's what upsets me. I know that it’s still not affecting me as much as it should. Come tomorrow, I’ll probably go back to how I was before, completely indifferent, and I have to question whether this is normal. I feel that my depression is contributing somehow. Ironic really, the condition that makes me feel so bad about situations that shouldn’t trouble me is making me feel fine about a situation that should be distressing me.

This depression is controlling every aspect of my life right now. It’s crippling. As well as making me indifferent to my parents’ divorce, it has made me push away the one person who could bring a smile to my face, the main reason today was such a shit day and which I’ll put in another post to make things easier to read.

Birthday Dilemmas

“After all, what are birthdays? Here today and gone tomorrow.”
- Eeyore (from A. A. Milne’s ‘Winnie the Pooh’)


Another year gone. I’ve now officially been on this planet for 19 years and I’m trying to work out where the time has gone. This is the problem I have with birthdays, I can’t help looking back and reflecting on what I’ve done since the last one, and my thoughts aren’t sitting well with me. On one hand you could say that I’ve achieved a fair bit during the last year; I’ve finally come to terms with my depression, I’m getting weekly counselling sessions during term time, I’m slowly getting over my views on anti-depression medication, I’ve successfully completed my first year in university...all things which show that I’m moving on in my life, so why do I feel that the opposite is true?

My counsellor and doctors would probably tell you that my battle with depression has moved on immensely since my last birthday. I don’t disagree with them that accepting that I suffer from the condition is a big step in the right direction, but looking back, I can’t see what has changed. For example, I still can’t bring myself to tell people about my illness, I still have major problems when it comes to talking face-to-face with someone about my feelings; I hide emotions and hide my true self. I feel that the depression itself has gotten worse. Compared to last year, my general happiness is much lower; my depressive episodes are more frequent, last longer and are more severe. I am finding myself feeling vulnerable and considering suicide far more often than the previous year and I have found myself coming far too close to giving into these thoughts.

So here I am, on my birthday, sitting here desperately wanting to cry but my body, so used to hiding such emotion, is refusing to let the tears fall. I feel like a failure. I’m letting this illness take over my life. It’s making me lie to my friends and family, it’s causing me so much conflict in my head that I rarely get over six hours sleep at night, basically it makes me feel shit and I can’t see it changing. It makes me wonder, what will I be thinking in a year’s time? Will I be looking back like I always do and seeing an improvement in my life, or will I be seeing how my depression has taken over more of my life and be in an even bigger state of despair and worthlessness?

One question is even more prominent.

Will I even be here in a year’s time...?